


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 159

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [11]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 14:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6332728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as our hero the hermit goes looking for the kidnapped Luke and Beru.  Obi-Wan finds a familiar bounty hunter instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 159

TATOOINE - Day 159:

I don’t know how he did it, but a few hours ago Owen Lars slipped into my hut undetected and kidnapped Luke and Beru. I blame my Tatooine Tango in the sheets with his wife for gumming up my Force sensitivity. Too many temptations have caused me to overlook my one mission in life, to keep young Skywalker safe. Maybe the Jedi Order weren’t a complete bunch of pricks when they forbid attachments. As soon as Luke is safe I’ll need to go home and rethink my life.

As I enter the Lars’ property I keep reminding myself not to use the Force to crush Owen’s skull and testicles. Vengeance is a path to the Dark Side, and ain’t nobody got time got for that! The home is in complete darkness, so I ignite my lightsaber for illumination, and to scare the crap out of Owen. I can’t find anyone. Then I hear what sounds like Beru whimpering from behind a door that’s locked from the outside. When I open it it turns out to be Owen curled on the floor like a pathetic blob, all alone. 

He slowly stands and gives me a confused, yet nasty look. “How long was that bitch going to keep me locked in here?”

Dread fills me as I realize Owen wasn’t the one who took Luke and Beru. I walk out of the room completely baffled.

Owen is suddenly behind me, sniffing the air. “You smell like my wife, you Jedi scum!”

Confused by the recent turn of events, I still manage to knock Owen down a peg, “You supported the slave trade as a means to meet women, just like your father. So who is the real scum?”

Owen looks dumbfounded for only a moment, then changes the subject. “Well, that little bastard has been nothing but trouble since we took him in!”

“Luke is no bastard!” I retort. “His parents were married in secret!” 

With that I Force push him back into the room and lock the door. I leave him as I found him, figuring I shouldn’t intervene in domestic matters.  
I make my way to the closest Tusken camp. Although I doubt it, I must be sure that they aren’t holding Luke and Beru. The warriors immediately surround me, and as I draw the lightsaber hilt from my robe they shriek and scatter. At first I think that my mad Jedi skills precede me, but as I search the abandoned tents my ego becomes slightly bruised. There are paintings on some of the tent walls depicting a person with a lightsaber striking down Tusken women and children. From what I have pieced together through conversions with Padme I realize that the figure in the paintings is Anakin. The Tuskens aren’t necessarily scared of me, but the Jedi as a whole. Thanks Annie.

I search two more Tusken camps before giving up and heading back to my hut. Luke is lost. I have failed as a Jedi and a man. I am such a dick. Although I’ve only been contacted by Qui-Gon once since my arrival on Tatooine one-hundred-and-fifty-nine days ago, I still reach out to him in hopes of learning Luke’s whereabouts.

The front door to my hut explodes! Splinters fill the air and puncture my skin, as smoke temporarily blinds me. A figure enters my doorway and is dressed in Mandalorian armor. He reminds me of that jerk Jango Fett, but the colors are wrong and he’s slightly shorter.

He kicks a fragment of my door out of his way, walks into my hut and informs me, “I am Boba Fett.”


End file.
